The D word that brings so much dread.
Why have I never done a duo? Why don’t I really push for them? And why did I freak out so much when I got my first genuine enquiry about one?
I had hoped to never publicly have to address it, that I could somehow just skate through under the radar and never get an actual enquiry. Unfortunately that hasn’t been the case so I guess I need to explain my self.
This industry is wonderful in so many ways, but in others it can be very negative. I found before I started having a friends list I felt rather excluded, like I couldn’t really be in the club unless I was into women too. But first and foremost that’s where the problem is, I’m just not into women.
I know there’s the whole fake it til you make it stuff but as someone who genuinely enjoys her work and the connections I make with lovers, having to somehow be inauthentic and ‘perform’ would not be true to me or how I want to work.
There are several underlying issues which make it something very negative for me which I will go into now briefly. For my entire adolescence I was relentlessly bullied by all the girls at school, every single one, for my weight and overall appearance. This left very deep scars on me psychologically which I just don’t seem to be able to overcome, I do not have female friendships or seek out female friendship to this day because of this. So as you may realise the idea of being naked or vulnerable in any way with a women is the complete opposite of what a duo is supposed to be. For me it’s my idea of absolute terror.
I did genuinely try and overcome this, mostly because I didn’t want to be left out or excluded. But I have come to realise that I don’t need to be included in anything to feel like I’m good at my job, after making some great client connections over the last year or so my confidence in my brand and who I am has only grown and now I feel like I need to be completely honest so I can move forward.
If I had known how triggering I would find my first genuine enquiry then in hindsight I would never have even mentioned it on my website or in conversation. It is only today after experiencing such a reaction I can say publicly that it won’t be something I can ever be part of moving forward.
This isn’t me looking down on them in anyway, I wish I didn’t have the issues I have regarding women and being vulnerable around them. It has been hard for me over the last year to explain my social anxiety as I am very social with my clients, so people may be confused. My social anxiety has always been female centric, any gatherings of women or being trapped anywhere with women fills me with so much anxiety it does at times feel rather overwhelming and I do know its ridiculous and I know it’s a fault within me and no reflection at all of other persons. But I genuinely struggle with it every day.
It’s been hard for me to make friends with women in general, it’s why I’m very insular and have only recently really commented on other companions posts because of all this. I am constantly attempting to overcome my fears, being part of KLE has been a great experience and really helped me with my confidence. I wish I could be more open with my colleagues, I wish I was a better woman’s woman every day. But I will have to admit defeat on the duo front and sadly accept that they just aren’t for me.
– Madeleine x